Positivity

I just did the impossible the other day: I thought myself into feeling better.

That was a shitty day. Got yelled at by a nice-looking lady I wanted to approach. A not so fun outing. Tired as fuck. And still obsessed about being yelled at.

So I did the usual and started wandering around the lake, thinking on the event of the day. The train of thoughts departed as usual. Why was I such a shitty person to make her yell like that? Why did I just sit there like an idiot while everyone was playing cards and at least had some fun? Why did I make no effort to socialise and know more people? So on and so forth.

Then it hit me. It was not my fault. Why was I blaming myself for something that I had no control over? She had no reason to yell at me like that, in the middle of the pantry with many other colleagues around. And they did look – it was embarrassing. A guy had to step in to mediate by covering for me – thanks bro, really – even if it just made me look even more pathetic. And turned out she was in the wrong. But nope, no apology – no nothing. Even if it was my fault, she is 6-years my junior and had no authority over me; that kind of reaction was so uncalled for.

Then the bigger thing hit me. I don’t have to feel bad for what other people do. They may put me down, but that’s their job. My job is to make their job impossible to do – not acknowledging it. I may not be the hot shit that I think I am, I am still lacking in many key areas (wealth being the worst one), I am still single, I am in bad shape. But those are all my problems. I will get to it when I get to it.

Which reminds me of my old boss, who was crazy about “staying positive”. Toxic positivity, as I called it. She did everything the wrong way. Like trying to force a positive spin on everything; touting exercises and those energy bullshit as the way to happiness; “treat every difficulties as an opportunity” kind of thing. It was all so wrong. I went through 5 years of depression and you think you can tell me how to feel good?

We need negativity in our life. We need to understand sadness to really know joy. Rejecting sadness is the same as clogging a full toilet – shits are bound to explode. I need to know how and why I was sad to know how to navigate the torrent that is my emotions. Exercising? Fuck no, just exercising doesn’t make you happier if you weren’t affected by fitness in the first place. It’s literally trying to give a solution to a non-existing problem. I am cycling now – but that comes after I realise I need better strength to compliment my brain, not because I need to feel better. And I did feel better, because I feel closer to my goal of getting into a healthy relationship, not because of cycling itself.

“Amateurs practice till they get it right; professionals practice till they can’t get it wrong.”

True positivity comes from confidence. Confidence comes from actually having value. It doesn’t come from exercising, feel-good classes, meditation or whatever zen bullshit out there. It might hurts when someone you care about (or want to care about) dismiss that value; but realise that can only drag you down when you agree with them. Your experience doesn’t define you. Your emotion doesn’t define you. You get to define you. Nobody else.

Oh, in case it’s not obvious. Right now I am positive as fuck 🙂

The Hero?

Strange, nice things have been happening to me lately. People have been approaching me for advice, help or just general assistance lately – at work, of course, not personally. And I feel great helping them. In fact, the greatest ever since I came back from France. I am tired as fuck obviously. But this night, suddenly a question popped into my head: am I …happy now?

I think I am, even if just for a bit. I like helping people. Nothing noble or altruistic though, I am pretty sure I just crave the state of being needed, of being the target of gratuity. The way people just come to me out of nowhere and ask for assistance – and I being able to give it – is just so addictive. It has always been that way even in my first year at FPT. And for some reason, I found it again here.

It was already a treat to come into a new job, expecting to be invisible and keeping a low profile, only to have so many old colleagues passing by to say hey. Like even someone horrible like me could have people remembering my name and my work? And I get to make new connections as well, against all odds. And given many new exciting responsibility to just do what I can and what I could. So yea, I guess I am happy.

Not that I am without worry. First that disappointing approach to try to hit on an old friend – and miserably failed. Like, I got put on “not even seen”. Harsh – especially given our context – but clean cut; probably would hurt more if it dragged on. Anyway. Just found out today the same thing happen with another person, “unfollowed”. I hate that. Actually, I am afraid of that. To disappear from someone’s life. Disconnected. No more link. I don’t know how people do that or deal with that. It’s just too harsh.

Anyway, onto the main thing. Started re-reading World Trigger and got to ask myself: am I the Hero?

Mikumo was the Hero. He’s weak, has no particular defining trait and is somewhat of a pushover. But he ends up being the Hero without even realising it. And the people around him recognise that and support him to fully realise his role. He makes things happen because it’s the right thing to do. Even his selfish motivation is so noble: he does not back down from hardship because he fear his own insecurity will take over if he does. It is for romantic reason too – at least that’s what I assume – but nevertheless, in short, he wants to save the world.

“A hero should always be given an opportunity to fight back”

World Trigger

He’s weak, but he got the strong Kuga to take care of battle. He’s inexperienced, but he got so many talented and elite people to mentor him out of respect for his sincere conviction. And the way Kazama shape him up to be a true Leader is just so endearing. I love World Trigger and how heartwarming it is.

But am I? I got so much help along the way too. With some self-brag, I think I also have the same selfish-but-noble motivation that makes people want to help me. Like how I want to code things up. It’s because I want to learn, to see what I can accomplish. What I can help people with. I have always wanted a team like they do in WT – a team of elite people who got clear vision of what they need to do. Like what they said about Kou Murakami: “In the end we are all fighting together, so we’re glad to have strong people like you on our side”.

But I guess I can’t be a Hero.

Because, while I do want to save the world. I will always wonder: who will save the Hero?