I just did the impossible the other day: I thought myself into feeling better.
That was a shitty day. Got yelled at by a nice-looking lady I wanted to approach. A not so fun outing. Tired as fuck. And still obsessed about being yelled at.
So I did the usual and started wandering around the lake, thinking on the event of the day. The train of thoughts departed as usual. Why was I such a shitty person to make her yell like that? Why did I just sit there like an idiot while everyone was playing cards and at least had some fun? Why did I make no effort to socialise and know more people? So on and so forth.
Then it hit me. It was not my fault. Why was I blaming myself for something that I had no control over? She had no reason to yell at me like that, in the middle of the pantry with many other colleagues around. And they did look – it was embarrassing. A guy had to step in to mediate by covering for me – thanks bro, really – even if it just made me look even more pathetic. And turned out she was in the wrong. But nope, no apology – no nothing. Even if it was my fault, she is 6-years my junior and had no authority over me; that kind of reaction was so uncalled for.
Then the bigger thing hit me. I don’t have to feel bad for what other people do. They may put me down, but that’s their job. My job is to make their job impossible to do – not acknowledging it. I may not be the hot shit that I think I am, I am still lacking in many key areas (wealth being the worst one), I am still single, I am in bad shape. But those are all my problems. I will get to it when I get to it.
Which reminds me of my old boss, who was crazy about “staying positive”. Toxic positivity, as I called it. She did everything the wrong way. Like trying to force a positive spin on everything; touting exercises and those energy bullshit as the way to happiness; “treat every difficulties as an opportunity” kind of thing. It was all so wrong. I went through 5 years of depression and you think you can tell me how to feel good?
We need negativity in our life. We need to understand sadness to really know joy. Rejecting sadness is the same as clogging a full toilet – shits are bound to explode. I need to know how and why I was sad to know how to navigate the torrent that is my emotions. Exercising? Fuck no, just exercising doesn’t make you happier if you weren’t affected by fitness in the first place. It’s literally trying to give a solution to a non-existing problem. I am cycling now – but that comes after I realise I need better strength to compliment my brain, not because I need to feel better. And I did feel better, because I feel closer to my goal of getting into a healthy relationship, not because of cycling itself.
“Amateurs practice till they get it right; professionals practice till they can’t get it wrong.”
True positivity comes from confidence. Confidence comes from actually having value. It doesn’t come from exercising, feel-good classes, meditation or whatever zen bullshit out there. It might hurts when someone you care about (or want to care about) dismiss that value; but realise that can only drag you down when you agree with them. Your experience doesn’t define you. Your emotion doesn’t define you. You get to define you. Nobody else.
Oh, in case it’s not obvious. Right now I am positive as fuck 🙂