05072018

Yep, another new year post.

Bought a new game last month, called Cultist Simulator. Quite a nice game. You play as someone stuck in real life, seeking escape in the occult arts. One aspect I like is how you have to balance your emotional life. You will get Restlessness from time to time, which turn into Dread, too much of which may end your life/game. Restlessness can be canceled by Passion.

Which is how I see myself right now. I want to do something. Something. Something to put my heart and mind to. But I just can’t find the Passion. Not anymore.

I don’t know how people do it. A healthy person would have a dream to chase. Someone to love. Something to care. And when they stop it would be just a rest before continuing the journey. I’m pretty sure I have been resting for more than half the year now.

Some friends asked if I know what I am doing with my life. I said sure I do. I’m exactly where I want to be. That was a lie. I don’t know where I am. I don’t know where I’m heading. I have no answer for these insecurities. I guess for others these may just be passing thoughts and they vanish overnight. But how can I do that myself?

Dealing with some interpersonal issues as well. Someone close to me chose to disappear from my life. Or I was kicking them out of my life. Could be either, could be both. Doesn’t seem to matter at this point. Do I want things to be back the way it was? Honestly, ehhhhhhh…. I’m not mad anymore but it seems I don’t even care anymore, whatever the case.

That got me thinking though. My fear was NOT irrational. The BPD’s fear of abandonment. People can and do walk out of my life and I am terrified of that. I don’t want to endure the fear so the cynic’s way comes naturally to me. Nobody gives a shit about me – maybe not even myself. Don’t expect good thing to come from people. Don’t count on it. Don’t put your hopes up. You’re complete if you don’t want anything else.

Having a stupid puppy love doesn’t help either. I mean I don’t even know the girl’s name. All I have is a face. And now my train of thoughts crashes whenever she walks by or just standing up. Is this normal?? Must not be, right? A man would just casually walk up and ask her out for a cup of coffee. Or ask her colleagues if she is available or married. Ask someone, anyone. Right?? Why can’t I move my ass and do the same?! All I manage to do is try to time myself leaving work to coincide with hers which resulted in me and her in the pantry for 10 seconds. Once. What a romantic.

Regained some of my sanity today though. A full circle around the lake. It was so beautiful. Just enough sunlight to light up the surface. The clouds were so high. The breeze was refreshing. How I wish I could just fly to the sun to burn ever so brightly even just for a moment.

*blow candles* I wish I would stop being so lonely.

 

 

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It doesn’t have to be love-hate

Maybe you’ve been like me. Playing single-player hide-and-seek. Not even entirely sure what you need to look for. Circling the playground, knowing that nobody is hiding but secretly hoping to find a face you know waiting to be found.

Sometimes you find a bystander.

Someone who wasn’t in the playground. Someone who wasn’t hiding. They were just… there. Maybe watching you play. Maybe some words of encouragement. Maybe dropping hints to help you play. Maybe nothing.

And you thought to yourself, “hey, there’s no one else in the playground, and I’m playing hide-and-seek, that has to be the one I’m supposed to find”. And you go with that. You start preparing the playground – your playground – to accommodate your new ‘partner’. Making sure they stay and keep playing with you. And you start imagining things. “She should be very happy to play if I do this/that/the other thing”. Suddenly the world is bright again. Suddenly life has meaning. Suddenly you have someone.

Or do you?

You do not. Everything was just in your world. In their world, they were just standing by minding they own business. And you had no place in that. All they saw was some overly attached kid coming up to them and acting like he’s their friend. Who the hell is that guy?

That’s usually what happen. You projected your expectation onto someone. You started to paint this incredible picture in your head. You started the entire TV series featuring you and her. Maybe a novel. Some merchandise following. Fanfiction? Nevertheless, in the end, those doesn’t exists. It was a simple mistake. A wrong assumption. That’s all.

It’s probably not your fault. In fact, you strongly believe that it’s not. It’s theirs. How dare they deny you your story. The stage was set and all the actors had to do was following your script. How is that hard?

That was the BPD in me thinking. And the BPD outlook is binary. If they don’t love me they must hate me. And if they hate me, why the fuck do I need to be nice? Why do I need to reserve a place for them in my playground? Get the fuck out of here. Wait, you’re actually going? I thought you would take this chance to stay? This is the last warning. You are allowed to explain yourself to me. Please?

I’m saying it doesn’t have to be that way. Because it’s not even about them. It’s about you. The hardest part is realizing that everyone has their own world, in addition to the real world we all live in. And just like you pass by so many people in your life, sometimes they pass by you. You crave love so much that you cannot accept being alone in your world. You insist on having someone there with you, even if you have to kidnap them there. But that’s not the solution. Accept that it is not their fault. Then realize that it is not yours either. Life is just that way. The entire universe is that way – stars travel in a straight line until another pull them close – then they revolve around each other for eternity.

It’s hard. Because that is a challenge. It’s because you hit a wall that you know how to climb a wall. Acceptance of life goes a long way. Wish everyone you meet happiness. Then happiness will come to you. Your little bystander doesn’t hate you. You simply wasn’t in her orbit. She wished you the best in your game. So go be the best.

 

Why misery loves company

My guess is, because we cling to everything when we’re about to drown.

Depression is going through a black hole of emotions. Everything comes in, nothing comes out. And everything is nothing. We may be shining like the sun and still we will end up a void.

So when we finally get out of that black hole – some never could – the first thing we do is looking for a new light. Someone who would give our life meaning. Someone who would make us the center of the universe. Someone whose purpose is to spin around us.

I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same

I feel miserable going through any relationship. But the problem is, I seem to love being miserable. I don’t want to go through the black hole of no emotion again, so this time I embrace them, even the negative one. I want to feel.

And shit happens when I can’t be honest with my feelings at the same time I want to feel.

The other me

Have you ever feel, like, you are watching yourself from the inside out? Through my ups and downs of the past year(s?), that’s what I have been doing. There’s another me watching me.

I believe it could be extremely hard for people who haven’t experience that, but once you do, you would know exactly what I am yapping on about.

I simply cannot say “I’m happy/sad/fine”, but rather “I feel happy/sad/fine”. Whereas, happy/sad/fine is not my state of being, but just another ‘action’ that I do, that I ‘feel’. I recognize that somehow, there is this ‘tingling’ in my chest that signals me that I am ‘feeling’ something.

I blame that on the ‘other me’.

I’m the pessimist one while he is the optimist. I’m cynical, he’s idealistic. I’m calm, he’s the one with panics and anxiety. And more importantly, I am very mindful of how other people see me, yet he just want to be himself, the crazy one. I don’t mind being alone, he cries because he has no one to talk to. I want to focus on my work, all he does is find some pathetic excuse to open conversation. I decide to go to sleep, he’s the one staying awake with scissors in hand.

The worst part? He wants to get out. Get out of his shell. Get out of all the pretending shit I do. Get out of being cool and calm. Get out and stay out.

I always call him the weak fool. But truth is, he is stronger than me. I keep telling him not to fall in love, not to like anyone, not to cause pain to anyone other than us. I am fine with the cut marks. I am not fine with forcing someone to see those cut marks.

Then he just go ahead and have feelings for someone.

And it’s not like he has the galls to do it anyway! He likes someone but I’m the one having to talk to her. He wants to be loved but I’m the one having to do the loving. He wants to be listened but I’m the one doing the talking.

And it’s not like those feelings can be true love anyway! Most of the time it’s just him being lonely. Most of the time it’s just him having a misunderstanding. And if not, 90% of the girls he ‘likes’ is either unavailable or just not that into him. The other 10%, he gave up before anything can happen. And 100% of them probably gave him some sort of attention without much thought at all, if any.

Just when I want to live my life in peace, he wants to go confess his feelings to the girl. Yea right, good luck with that. Except don’t do that. Stay home. Sleep. Play game. Jack off. Anything but confessing.

Well, it’s tiring, criticizing yourself like that. That’s pretty much the other half of depression: where you can’t or don’t want to justify your feelings. That’s why almost every illustration of depression depicts some sort of shadow hanging over your life.

Something for the night

 

 

Alive and kicking

Sometimes I just love Facebook’s “On this day” feature. It reminds you each and everyday that you did something stupid exactly these many years ago. But more importantly, it reminds you of how much you’ve grown.

Guess what today is? My attempted suicide day :). The intended “last post” of that day popped up and I was simply amazed. It has been 3 years already?

So much has happened over the last 3 years. Got a job that I love, fought back BPD/depression little by little and made quite a bit of new friends. Still no girlfriend though. But I’m ALIVE!

Strange though, how I shared the joy of this day with my closest friends and they didn’t seem amused. Especially the one that saved me that day. Oh well, never mind. People often don’t realize how much impact they could have over someone’s life anyway 🙂

By the way to this day I still don’t get why I got 10 likes for that ‘last post’. Just likes, no comment, no message, no nothing. Imagine how that would be in real life: walking by someone’s window, seeing them about to hang themselves and just saying ‘hi’. Bizzare, no?

Lastly, some words for those who are still struggling, including me: don’t quit. I know what it was like hitting rock bottom. I know what it was like to drown. I know what it was like to look for the easy way out. But don’t. Just breath. Stop thinking. Grab someone. The closer the better. Let them know your problems – yes, it’s all real, don’t be afraid to let them know that. Talk it out. You’re alive, just breath.

Fear of being abandoned.

Why is it that a BPD does what she does? What is the root cause of it all? Easy. The only that matters to them. Fear of being abandoned.

To strangers, someone with BPD may not seems like anyone out of ordinary. And they completely believe her when she says “I’m fine”. Which is actually good. Because she knows they are strangers, she knows they are already on the outside and thus unable to come into her world to hurt her, to leave her wounded. She knows they haven’t done anything wrong because there is nothing for them to do. And so, her interaction with the world ‘outside’ is completely normal, devoid of any storm that is ravaging her souls inside.

What storm you ask? Well, if you know then you don’t need to ask, if you ask then you don’t need to know. The problem is when she start having people inside her world. Either because they were stranded there or they were pulled in, as in having a crush or making new friends. The closer they are to her, the stronger the storm. Storms caused by even the slightest gesture people do that makes she thinks “they are running away from me”. And thus a series of drama that alternate between “please stay with me” and “get the fuck out of my world”. The BPD doesn’t want anyone to leave, but she knows painfully well that if they do, there is nothing she can do to stop it. It’s obvious why BPD would want people to stay, but why are there difficult times that she just want to world to vanish and leave her alone? Well, it’s because when she start to realise that they want to leave her (or simple thought she realise that), she will – almost as a reflex – to compartmentalized the offending person. She don’t want to hurt herself over those people who want to leave anymore, and so she tries as hard as she can to push them out, to make them disappear from her world. Doing so while at the same time wanting them to stay will cause a great deal of pain to her. And the worst kind of pain too – psychologically. It hurts so bad that she have to find relief in cutting herself, partly to cause attention, but primarily because physical pain is much easy to bear with – you know where it hurts and how it can be stopped. There are some sort of biological process that apply a natural painkiller whenever the body is wounded, and it also have sedative properties. So by cutting or wounding herself, the pain inside becomes slightly easier to deal with and at least, it allows her to sleep.

To offending person though, a BPD is just straight up batshit crazy. She doesn’t understand what the hell is going on. All she ever did what saying or doing something that is perfectly normal yet the BPD just seems to be overreacting in every wrong way possible. And so, it is a lot easier for people to leave than to stay and deal with the mess that is the BPD. A BPD can have a crush on someone, and then go insane over all the little things they do ‘wrong’, thus pushing them away. Then she will find herself again, in the same old place, with a blade in her hand and cut marks on the other. She felt chills all over her body when she thinks about her crush. She wants to jump off the top of the building just to make it all go away. She doesn’t know how to live in this world. She never learn that the world doesn’t care about her. She never learn that the world doesn’t need her. She never learn that the only one who will be there with her, comforting her, holding her hands – is herself.

Only her.

When anger fades and the guilt creeps in.

auto-9gag-1459914As usual, too many people and too many outside stimuli cause me to flare up. I felt like I could have burst at any moment and may harm myself or worse, other people. It’s ironic how I am made worse with people around, yet I worry more about how I look to them rather than how I should worry about myself.

And of course, the people who suffered the most from my angst were the one I held dear. The ones that I expect to know better. The ones that should have been there for me. Especially the girl I’m having that unbearable crush on. I don’t know what is happening anymore (do I ever?). Inside my head, I blame her for every single bad thing that I do, yet I know painfully well that it’s only me. How can somebody ever like somebody like me? But. But I think I love her so much now that I just can’t walk away. I swore to the cut marks on my hands that I would leave her alone and never to speak to her again, yet I still went out and buy her stuff. I want her so much that after all the trouble I caused to push her away from me, I sent her another friend request, again. And now that I have calmed down, away from all the noise, I am living in the guilt of acting the way I did.

I have only realised this just today, but my boss is a terribly nice lady. The way she treated me, for me it felt like a sister helping her mischievous brother through tough times. Which is the one person I have always wanted in my life: a sister. It could help changed my life tremendously, who knows?

Senseless rant, again.

And, as always, I need a hug.