It’s all fun and games until you realise nobody is there when the laughter ends

I have always joked about having an alternative personality inside of me, that of a girl. Sometimes I even say that it is actually my real one. But no, I don’t have it. I have feminine traits, yes, but not enough to form a ‘personality’. I guess it’s just a way for me to create a protection bubble for myself – to feel safe in it.

This sort of unresolved crisis leaves individuals struggling to “find themselves.” They may go on to seek a negative identity, which may involve crime or drugs or the inability to make defining choices about the future. “The basic strength that should develop during adolescence is fidelity, which emerges from a cohesive ego identity”.

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They often seem to have no idea who or what they are, where they belong or where they want to go. They may withdraw from normal life, not taking action or acting as they usually would at work, in their marriage or at school. They may even turn to negative activities, such as crime or drugs, as a way of dealing with identity crisis. To someone having an identity crisis, it is more acceptable to them to have a negative identity than none at all.

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You don’t have to be alone to be lonely

It has been 3 months now at my new job. Honestly I am enjoying it more than I previously expected. The actual work is nothing too wow-ful but I can accept that. The people are really nice and I’m learning a lot from them. Oh and good news: today I just got negotiated (well, more like going along with) a new contract for the next 6 months. Received tons of praise, don’t really know if they were true but I like it anyway. I wish there was a certain someone whom I could show it too, but oh well.

As usual, I am eyeing someone. This time it’s someone at work. I seriously don’t know what is wrong with me. The moment someone shows the least bit of affection or even friendliness towards me, I just have to develop feelings for them. I don’t even know why I like this one really: she’s not terribly beautiful, just mildly attractive; she’s friendly and charismatic, but she does it to everybody; I don’t even know what else there is to her personalities, just what I can observe. Our seats aren’t close, so conversations is kept at a minimum, basically just smile-when-passing-by interaction now. Gawd, I hate it when I play out relationships in my head and then get depressed when it doesn’t actually work.

By the way, I did some thinking about loneliness today. It’s the feeling when you feel so disconnected from the world around you, not being able to find your place in it. Like when you want to share something, turn on the phone and see no one to talk to. It’s when you want to hang out but can’t think of anyone you’d like to do it with. You can be surrounded by people yet still feel that way.

End of rant. Signing off.