First day at new job.

Well, more like first day of a 3-month training program. Still, it got me interested to a certain degree.

The program consists of 7 others like me. 6 girls and another guy. It’s sort of an IT training course for non-IT-related candidates, so unsurprisingly most of them find the content to be quite difficult, even at the most basic level. But still I just can’t shake off this feeling that it will be hard to connect with them as colleagues and friends. It’s still the first day though, so we will see.

I don’t know exactly what keeps happening to me. Even at my previous job, whenever I go home after work I would occasionally feel so down and lonely. Just had that feeling again today after work. Is it just me being tired? Is that a mild depression and or anxiety attack? Or am I really that lonely that I don’t have anyone to share the answer to “how’s work”? Maybe I just need a girlfriend. I don’t know. Someone.

Just thought about it a little bit and suddenly I realised why those “loser otaku” are – well – losers, including me. We were already losers in the first place, so we naturally seek an escape. Manga and Anime are just that. It is an ideal world, where even losers like us can get the most beautiful girl in school – more than one even. It is where a person can find the place where they belong, where they can do what they love. I’m reading KissxSis, an ecchi comedy series. All the fanservices aside, it feels so good to see Kiryu-sensei to be in love¬†with Keita. Real love, not just the ecchi stuff. All those lovey-dovey moments between them, the cute stuff that she does… all that can make a person feel so good. And that person would want to keep coming back to it, favoring it over the real world he is living in, the one that has been giving him so much hardship. A person like me.

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Shit, I don’t even know what I want. A girlfriend? Or just anyone who would listen to my problems be fine? Just like when I was having those anxiety attacks, I know at least that I want someone to hold me. Tightly.

I know what I don’t want though: a lecture about finding more friends and just be happy with it. No thanks.