Don’t you hate it

When somebody just barge into your world, make herself at home in your mind and mess up everything that was your normal life?

I was fine before all this. I was fully devoted to my work. I could happily sit at my desk and code all day long and doesn’t give a damn about the world outside. Sure, I know my life is so miserable and sad compared to others, but I try hard not to let myself feel that way. And in some way, that worked. I don’t feel as miserable as I should be, and that’s a good thing.

Then she came. Just like that. In my mind. Now suddenly I can’t concentrate on my work. Now suddenly I have to think about her, because she is there – in my mind palace. I don’t know what to do with her. I don’t even know if I want her to stay in my mind.

People come and go, I know that. In fact, I expect that. It has been so long since anyone has stayed with me that I don’t know if anyone will ever want to. Again, I don’t know what to do. I want people to understand me but if they don’t, I won’t try to keep them. I don’t want to waste people’s time. So I keep letting people go and before I realized it, there’s no one left. Well, if that is how it’s gonna be, let it be.

So it annoyed me to great ends that my brain has decided to think about someone, without my permission. I don’t want to, because I have just managed to stabilize my emotions. For someone with BPD that is a lot of effort. The rollercoaster of emotion isn’t gonna do me any good, so why make me go though all of that again? I don’t want to feel anything towards her because I know she won’t feel anything towards me, so it’s just a waste of time. I do not want  to stuck in this endless struggle of wanting to do something and expecting something to happen yet not knowing exactly what I want to happen.

Chasing Pavements. That song struck so close to home. I have never know what love is. My very first ‘relationships’ was a disaster. This is just like going to the pool right after nearly drowned there. You kinda want to go into the water, but the experience from last time still terrifies you. So you sit awkwardly on the side, wondering why you are even here, looking at people having their fun, possibly while mocking you.

I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Just tell me what to do. Please?