05072018

Yep, another new year post.

Bought a new game last month, called Cultist Simulator. Quite a nice game. You play as someone stuck in real life, seeking escape in the occult arts. One aspect I like is how you have to balance your emotional life. You will get Restlessness from time to time, which turn into Dread, too much of which may end your life/game. Restlessness can be canceled by Passion.

Which is how I see myself right now. I want to do something. Something. Something to put my heart and mind to. But I just can’t find the Passion. Not anymore.

I don’t know how people do it. A healthy person would have a dream to chase. Someone to love. Something to care. And when they stop it would be just a rest before continuing the journey. I’m pretty sure I have been resting for more than half the year now.

Some friends asked if I know what I am doing with my life. I said sure I do. I’m exactly where I want to be. That was a lie. I don’t know where I am. I don’t know where I’m heading. I have no answer for these insecurities. I guess for others these may just be passing thoughts and they vanish overnight. But how can I do that myself?

Dealing with some interpersonal issues as well. Someone close to me chose to disappear from my life. Or I was kicking them out of my life. Could be either, could be both. Doesn’t seem to matter at this point. Do I want things to be back the way it was? Honestly, ehhhhhhh…. I’m not mad anymore but it seems I don’t even care anymore, whatever the case.

That got me thinking though. My fear was NOT irrational. The BPD’s fear of abandonment. People can and do walk out of my life and I am terrified of that. I don’t want to endure the fear so the cynic’s way comes naturally to me. Nobody gives a shit about me – maybe not even myself. Don’t expect good thing to come from people. Don’t count on it. Don’t put your hopes up. You’re complete if you don’t want anything else.

Having a stupid puppy love doesn’t help either. I mean I don’t even know the girl’s name. All I have is a face. And now my train of thoughts crashes whenever she walks by or just standing up. Is this normal?? Must not be, right? A man would just casually walk up and ask her out for a cup of coffee. Or ask her colleagues if she is available or married. Ask someone, anyone. Right?? Why can’t I move my ass and do the same?! All I manage to do is try to time myself leaving work to coincide with hers which resulted in me and her in the pantry for 10 seconds. Once. What a romantic.

Regained some of my sanity today though. A full circle around the lake. It was so beautiful. Just enough sunlight to light up the surface. The clouds were so high. The breeze was refreshing. How I wish I could just fly to the sun to burn ever so brightly even just for a moment.

*blow candles* I wish I would stop being so lonely.

 

 

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