Don’t you hate it

When somebody just barge into your world, make herself at home in your mind and mess up everything that was your normal life?

I was fine before all this. I was fully devoted to my work. I could happily sit at my desk and code all day long and doesn’t give a damn about the world outside. Sure, I know my life is so miserable and sad compared to others, but I try hard not to let myself feel that way. And in some way, that worked. I don’t feel as miserable as I should be, and that’s a good thing.

Then she came. Just like that. In my mind. Now suddenly I can’t concentrate on my work. Now suddenly I have to think about her, because she is there – in my mind palace. I don’t know what to do with her. I don’t even know if I want her to stay in my mind.

People come and go, I know that. In fact, I expect that. It has been so long since anyone has stayed with me that I don’t know if anyone will ever want to. Again, I don’t know what to do. I want people to understand me but if they don’t, I won’t try to keep them. I don’t want to waste people’s time. So I keep letting people go and before I realized it, there’s no one left. Well, if that is how it’s gonna be, let it be.

So it annoyed me to great ends that my brain has decided to think about someone, without my permission. I don’t want to, because I have just managed to stabilize my emotions. For someone with BPD that is a lot of effort. The rollercoaster of emotion isn’t gonna do me any good, so why make me go though all of that again? I don’t want to feel anything towards her because I know she won’t feel anything towards me, so it’s just a waste of time. I do not want  to stuck in this endless struggle of wanting to do something and expecting something to happen yet not knowing exactly what I want to happen.

Chasing Pavements. That song struck so close to home. I have never know what love is. My very first ‘relationships’ was a disaster. This is just like going to the pool right after nearly drowned there. You kinda want to go into the water, but the experience from last time still terrifies you. So you sit awkwardly on the side, wondering why you are even here, looking at people having their fun, possibly while mocking you.

I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Just tell me what to do. Please?

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It’s getting harder to remember what feelings feel like.

Funny story. It was a spur of the moment thing when I decided that I should have a place to write out my thoughts and feelings. Thing is, now I only write when I don’t even know what to put into words.

It was less than half a year ago I think. For some reasons, I decided that I had “too much feelings” and putting those up as meaningless status on Facebook (meaningless for readers, not for me) was never enough. I want people, someone, anyone to know and share these feelings I had. I wanted to share how I like the girl from some manga I read. I wanted to discuss details of a movie I watched. I wanted a conversation. Only the ones who I wanted to do those with was not interested. The ones who was, I didn’t feel the same about. I felt out of sync.

But at least I felt something. Now? Remembering those times when I have feelings is like remembering a dream. You just know that you have it but can’t recall exactly what it is. Finally I understand when artists put it along the lines of “a world without color”. You know the colors, you know what they should look like. But. You. Just. Don’t. See. It.

Just finished reading a light novel called “5cm Per Second”. I keep telling myself I should have some thoughts, some lingering feelings about it. But I don’t. I just don’t.

Loneliness doesn’t come from having no one around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that are important to you.

It’s all fun and games until you realise nobody is there when the laughter ends

I have always joked about having an alternative personality inside of me, that of a girl. Sometimes I even say that it is actually my real one. But no, I don’t have it. I have feminine traits, yes, but not enough to form a ‘personality’. I guess it’s just a way for me to create a protection bubble for myself – to feel safe in it.

This sort of unresolved crisis leaves individuals struggling to “find themselves.” They may go on to seek a negative identity, which may involve crime or drugs or the inability to make defining choices about the future. “The basic strength that should develop during adolescence is fidelity, which emerges from a cohesive ego identity”.

[…]

They often seem to have no idea who or what they are, where they belong or where they want to go. They may withdraw from normal life, not taking action or acting as they usually would at work, in their marriage or at school. They may even turn to negative activities, such as crime or drugs, as a way of dealing with identity crisis. To someone having an identity crisis, it is more acceptable to them to have a negative identity than none at all.

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You don’t have to be alone to be lonely

It has been 3 months now at my new job. Honestly I am enjoying it more than I previously expected. The actual work is nothing too wow-ful but I can accept that. The people are really nice and I’m learning a lot from them. Oh and good news: today I just got negotiated (well, more like going along with) a new contract for the next 6 months. Received tons of praise, don’t really know if they were true but I like it anyway. I wish there was a certain someone whom I could show it too, but oh well.

As usual, I am eyeing someone. This time it’s someone at work. I seriously don’t know what is wrong with me. The moment someone shows the least bit of affection or even friendliness towards me, I just have to develop feelings for them. I don’t even know why I like this one really: she’s not terribly beautiful, just mildly attractive; she’s friendly and charismatic, but she does it to everybody; I don’t even know what else there is to her personalities, just what I can observe. Our seats aren’t close, so conversations is kept at a minimum, basically just smile-when-passing-by interaction now. Gawd, I hate it when I play out relationships in my head and then get depressed when it doesn’t actually work.

By the way, I did some thinking about loneliness today. It’s the feeling when you feel so disconnected from the world around you, not being able to find your place in it. Like when you want to share something, turn on the phone and see no one to talk to. It’s when you want to hang out but can’t think of anyone you’d like to do it with. You can be surrounded by people yet still feel that way.

End of rant. Signing off.

Words hurt, even when they are not meant to.

Or maybe it’s just me being oversensitive. I don’t usually pay much attention to what people say unless it directly affects me or it’s someone I hold in high regard.But occasionally, there will be something that can bug me for days, even weeks. And more often than not, it’s something negative.

This time it’s about the upcoming Women’s day in Vietnam. Well, obviously it has to come up in everyday conversations, right? And of course if you’re gonna talk about it, you are obliged to ask/answer about what you’re getting for your grandmother/mother/sister/girlfriend. I got asked one such question. And I still haven’t come up with anything to answer those kind of question aiming at you-know-what. Instead, I simply struggled and came up with a semi-coherent answer, coupled with a stupid grin, which I think has the same meaning as “I don’t know and don’t care that much, huehuehue”

Oh and I believe lack of words can also hurt you too. Going somewhere, expecting someone or “that someone” to talk to you but getting nothing. Trying hard not to show that you’re uncomfortable. Ain’t easy.

It’s never a good thing to bottle up your feelings

…If this keeps me away much longer
I dont know what I would do
You’ve got to understand its a hard life
That Im going through

And when the night falls in around me
I dont think Ill make it through
I’ll use your light to guide the way
‘Cause all I think about is you….


Not good at all. You are not just dealing with others. Being nice to others means not being nice to yourself. It’s just the little things at first, but eventually they all add up. Then you start acting like a time bomb, counting down to the release. And nobody wants to be there when the laughter ends.

Tough day at the office today. Got a lot to learn/practice/handle. Still getting super annoyed at that guy in my class who keeps thinking he’s the same age as me while he’s 2 years younger. And the coffee was NOT good. Made me edgy.

Yesterday I made contact with the cute girl in my team. Just some casual greetings at the parking lot. I’m not gonna put up any sort of hope for this – being a shy loser otaku. Having a crush on someone would be too much for me to handle right now.

Running low on cash. Payday got delayed. Good news is I’m starting to pick up freelance translation again, so next month should be no problem. Gonna be hard on me though – working evening has never been my favourite.

14/09/2014

Heyyy it’s almost a month at my new job. Not too shabby I’d say. And it’s close to payday, so nothing much to complain there.

Can’t find anyone to share this with, so I’ll just leave it here. I got picked into a project! While still in training! The only one in my class! Wew, it has only been a week since, but that news kept me up all the way until now.

And that’s also the hard part. Now I just can’t find enough time and energy to do all the things I want to do and have to do >_< I have daily reports to write, class assignments to be done. And still I want to learn about coding and programming; and I’m wayyyyyy behind on my Japanese. It’s more than 2 weeks now and I still haven’t got to the 3rd lesson yet! And gosh I feel so stupid whenever I start cracking on it, the words and the writing are just too hard to remember on top of everything I have to keep track of 😦

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