Maybe you’ve been like me. Playing single-player hide-and-seek. Not even entirely sure what you need to look for. Circling the playground, knowing that nobody is hiding but secretly hoping to find a face you know waiting to be found.
Sometimes you find a bystander.
Someone who wasn’t in the playground. Someone who wasn’t hiding. They were just… there. Maybe watching you play. Maybe some words of encouragement. Maybe dropping hints to help you play. Maybe nothing.
And you thought to yourself, “hey, there’s no one else in the playground, and I’m playing hide-and-seek, that has to be the one I’m supposed to find”. And you go with that. You start preparing the playground – your playground – to accommodate your new ‘partner’. Making sure they stay and keep playing with you. And you start imagining things. “She should be very happy to play if I do this/that/the other thing”. Suddenly the world is bright again. Suddenly life has meaning. Suddenly you have someone.
Or do you?
You do not. Everything was just in your world. In their world, they were just standing by minding they own business. And you had no place in that. All they saw was some overly attached kid coming up to them and acting like he’s their friend. Who the hell is that guy?
That’s usually what happen. You projected your expectation onto someone. You started to paint this incredible picture in your head. You started the entire TV series featuring you and her. Maybe a novel. Some merchandise following. Fanfiction? Nevertheless, in the end, those doesn’t exists. It was a simple mistake. A wrong assumption. That’s all.
It’s probably not your fault. In fact, you strongly believe that it’s not. It’s theirs. How dare they deny you your story. The stage was set and all the actors had to do was following your script. How is that hard?
That was the BPD in me thinking. And the BPD outlook is binary. If they don’t love me they must hate me. And if they hate me, why the fuck do I need to be nice? Why do I need to reserve a place for them in my playground? Get the fuck out of here. Wait, you’re actually going? I thought you would take this chance to stay? This is the last warning. You are allowed to explain yourself to me. Please?
I’m saying it doesn’t have to be that way. Because it’s not even about them. It’s about you. The hardest part is realizing that everyone has their own world, in addition to the real world we all live in. And just like you pass by so many people in your life, sometimes they pass by you. You crave love so much that you cannot accept being alone in your world. You insist on having someone there with you, even if you have to kidnap them there. But that’s not the solution. Accept that it is not their fault. Then realize that it is not yours either. Life is just that way. The entire universe is that way – stars travel in a straight line until another pull them close – then they revolve around each other for eternity.
It’s hard. Because that is a challenge. It’s because you hit a wall that you know how to climb a wall. Acceptance of life goes a long way. Wish everyone you meet happiness. Then happiness will come to you. Your little bystander doesn’t hate you. You simply wasn’t in her orbit. She wished you the best in your game. So go be the best.