Funny story. It was a spur of the moment thing when I decided that I should have a place to write out my thoughts and feelings. Thing is, now I only write when I don’t even know what to put into words.
It was less than half a year ago I think. For some reasons, I decided that I had “too much feelings” and putting those up as meaningless status on Facebook (meaningless for readers, not for me) was never enough. I want people, someone, anyone to know and share these feelings I had. I wanted to share how I like the girl from some manga I read. I wanted to discuss details of a movie I watched. I wanted a conversation. Only the ones who I wanted to do those with was not interested. The ones who was, I didn’t feel the same about. I felt out of sync.
But at least I felt something. Now? Remembering those times when I have feelings is like remembering a dream. You just know that you have it but can’t recall exactly what it is. Finally I understand when artists put it along the lines of “a world without color”. You know the colors, you know what they should look like. But. You. Just. Don’t. See. It.
Just finished reading a light novel called “5cm Per Second”. I keep telling myself I should have some thoughts, some lingering feelings about it. But I don’t. I just don’t.
Loneliness doesn’t come from having no one around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that are important to you.
I have always joked about having an alternative personality inside of me, that of a girl. Sometimes I even say that it is actually my real one. But no, I don’t have it. I have feminine traits, yes, but not enough to form a ‘personality’. I guess it’s just a way for me to create a protection bubble for myself – to feel safe in it.
This sort of unresolved crisis leaves individuals struggling to “find themselves.” They may go on to seek a negative identity, which may involve crime or drugs or the inability to make defining choices about the future. “The basic strength that should develop during adolescence is fidelity, which emerges from a cohesive ego identity”.
They often seem to have no idea who or what they are, where they belong or where they want to go. They may withdraw from normal life, not taking action or acting as they usually would at work, in their marriage or at school. They may even turn to negative activities, such as crime or drugs, as a way of dealing with identity crisis. To someone having an identity crisis, it is more acceptable to them to have a negative identity than none at all.
It has been 3 months now at my new job. Honestly I am enjoying it more than I previously expected. The actual work is nothing too wow-ful but I can accept that. The people are really nice and I’m learning a lot from them. Oh and good news: today I just got negotiated (well, more like going along with) a new contract for the next 6 months. Received tons of praise, don’t really know if they were true but I like it anyway. I wish there was a certain someone whom I could show it too, but oh well.
As usual, I am eyeing someone. This time it’s someone at work. I seriously don’t know what is wrong with me. The moment someone shows the least bit of affection or even friendliness towards me, I just have to develop feelings for them. I don’t even know why I like this one really: she’s not terribly beautiful, just mildly attractive; she’s friendly and charismatic, but she does it to everybody; I don’t even know what else there is to her personalities, just what I can observe. Our seats aren’t close, so conversations is kept at a minimum, basically just smile-when-passing-by interaction now. Gawd, I hate it when I play out relationships in my head and then get depressed when it doesn’t actually work.
By the way, I did some thinking about loneliness today. It’s the feeling when you feel so disconnected from the world around you, not being able to find your place in it. Like when you want to share something, turn on the phone and see no one to talk to. It’s when you want to hang out but can’t think of anyone you’d like to do it with. You can be surrounded by people yet still feel that way.
End of rant. Signing off.
…If this keeps me away much longer
I dont know what I would do
You’ve got to understand its a hard life
That Im going through
And when the night falls in around me
I dont think Ill make it through
I’ll use your light to guide the way
‘Cause all I think about is you….
Not good at all. You are not just dealing with others. Being nice to others means not being nice to yourself. It’s just the little things at first, but eventually they all add up. Then you start acting like a time bomb, counting down to the release. And nobody wants to be there when the laughter ends.
Tough day at the office today. Got a lot to learn/practice/handle. Still getting super annoyed at that guy in my class who keeps thinking he’s the same age as me while he’s 2 years younger. And the coffee was NOT good. Made me edgy.
Yesterday I made contact with the cute girl in my team. Just some casual greetings at the parking lot. I’m not gonna put up any sort of hope for this – being a shy loser otaku. Having a crush on someone would be too much for me to handle right now.
Running low on cash. Payday got delayed. Good news is I’m starting to pick up freelance translation again, so next month should be no problem. Gonna be hard on me though – working evening has never been my favourite.
Heyyy it’s almost a month at my new job. Not too shabby I’d say. And it’s close to payday, so nothing much to complain there.
Can’t find anyone to share this with, so I’ll just leave it here. I got picked into a project! While still in training! The only one in my class! Wew, it has only been a week since, but that news kept me up all the way until now.
And that’s also the hard part. Now I just can’t find enough time and energy to do all the things I want to do and have to do >_< I have daily reports to write, class assignments to be done. And still I want to learn about coding and programming; and I’m wayyyyyy behind on my Japanese. It’s more than 2 weeks now and I still haven’t got to the 3rd lesson yet! And gosh I feel so stupid whenever I start cracking on it, the words and the writing are just too hard to remember on top of everything I have to keep track of 😦
First day at new job.
Well, more like first day of a 3-month training program. Still, it got me interested to a certain degree.
The program consists of 7 others like me. 6 girls and another guy. It’s sort of an IT training course for non-IT-related candidates, so unsurprisingly most of them find the content to be quite difficult, even at the most basic level. But still I just can’t shake off this feeling that it will be hard to connect with them as colleagues and friends. It’s still the first day though, so we will see.
I don’t know exactly what keeps happening to me. Even at my previous job, whenever I go home after work I would occasionally feel so down and lonely. Just had that feeling again today after work. Is it just me being tired? Is that a mild depression and or anxiety attack? Or am I really that lonely that I don’t have anyone to share the answer to “how’s work”? Maybe I just need a girlfriend. I don’t know. Someone.
Just thought about it a little bit and suddenly I realised why those “loser otaku” are – well – losers, including me. We were already losers in the first place, so we naturally seek an escape. Manga and Anime are just that. It is an ideal world, where even losers like us can get the most beautiful girl in school – more than one even. It is where a person can find the place where they belong, where they can do what they love. I’m reading KissxSis, an ecchi comedy series. All the fanservices aside, it feels so good to see Kiryu-sensei to be in love with Keita. Real love, not just the ecchi stuff. All those lovey-dovey moments between them, the cute stuff that she does… all that can make a person feel so good. And that person would want to keep coming back to it, favoring it over the real world he is living in, the one that has been giving him so much hardship. A person like me.
Shit, I don’t even know what I want. A girlfriend? Or just anyone who would listen to my problems be fine? Just like when I was having those anxiety attacks, I know at least that I want someone to hold me. Tightly.
I know what I don’t want though: a lecture about finding more friends and just be happy with it. No thanks.
Well, turns out today is the day I write my first post, not yesterday. Guess the usual me acted up.
Yesterday I wanted to note that I finished working on that damn “Bo on the Go” series, season 1. A strange sense of accomplishment. And as usual, the first thing I claimed after that was “I ain’t never gonna do it again”. But thankfully, I came to my senses and realised that it was a very good source of cash to come: relatively long episode but pretty short scripts to translate. The result? I took up the remaining 2 seasons. And that’s the news for today: I got another series to work on, bringing my total amount due to…wait for it… 9.3 mil!! Shave some of that off for expenses and I still has 2 to 3 mil to spend, and that’s not counting if I’m gonna borrow money. Bad news though, is that I have to wait till the end of the month to get it. Well, just 3 weeks to go. Continue reading