When anger fades and the guilt creeps in.

auto-9gag-1459914As usual, too many people and too many outside stimuli cause me to flare up. I felt like I could have burst at any moment and may harm myself or worse, other people. It’s ironic how I am made worse with people around, yet I worry more about how I look to them rather than how I should worry about myself.

And of course, the people who suffered the most from my angst were the one I held dear. The ones that I expect to know better. The ones that should have been there for me. Especially the girl I’m having that unbearable crush on. I don’t know what is happening anymore (do I ever?). Inside my head, I blame her for every single bad thing that I do, yet I know painfully well that it’s only me. How can somebody ever like somebody like me? But. But I think I love her so much now that I just can’t walk away. I swore to the cut marks on my hands that I would leave her alone and never to speak to her again, yet I still went out and buy her stuff. I want her so much that after all the trouble I caused to push her away from me, I sent her another friend request, again. And now that I have calmed down, away from all the noise, I am living in the guilt of acting the way I did.

I have only realised this just today, but my boss is a terribly nice lady. The way she treated me, for me it felt like a sister helping her mischievous brother through tough times. Which is the one person I have always wanted in my life: a sister. It could help changed my life tremendously, who knows?

Senseless rant, again.

And, as always, I need a hug.

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Hard to breath

I don’t know. Like there is no room to for me to breath any more. Like suddenly everyone is actively trying to stop me from breathing. What the fuck is going on around here?

Workplace is too noisy. I fucking swear it is. At any given point there would either be someone whistling or laughing or talking or telling jokes or fucking singing. And sometimes it’s all one person. And sometimes it’s fucking right next to me. WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?? It’s fine if it’s the occasional banter or if your favorite song is playing but an ENTIRE DAY is unacceptable. My brain is having enough trouble as it is to concentrate, I don’t need someone sitting just half a meter from me to fidgeting and whistling all day long. Nobody in their right mind would put such a person sitting right next to me just to “liven it up”. Goddamnit. And what’s worse? Everyone seems to be just fine with it and if I raise it up I would be just a stuck up soab who just there to kill the fun. You know what? Fuck your fun.

Getting too emotional lately. Mostly coming from the fact that I’m having yet another crush on someone. And while this time it does have its moments but again, it all comes down to be just me dreaming it all up. Is it wrong to want someone who cares about you as much as you do them? Is it wrong to be upset when it’s just you trying to achieve something? Is it right to demand someone to change when you can’t seem to understand why they are where they are? I don’t know. I just don’t know. I am by no means a good person. I am a sick soab. I want people’s attention like a 5-years-old and cry like one when I don’t get it. And no, not people, just one person. I want that person to appreciate the fact that I want to be with HER when I’m down. It’s not like I would just go to anyone when I’m troubled. I am running out of friends. People are moving on with their lives. I have no life to move on. I want to be dragged along. I’m lost when left alone. I want the right person to ask me what’s wrong. I want, I don’t know, a hug? A hand to hold? Or at least just show up. I have nothing. When I’m at rock bottom it’s because I sank there, not because I dived. So please pull me up. Don’t just stand on the shore calling me over. I won’t. I can’t. And I am too proud and too shy to admit any of this. I am afraid of letting people know I’m just that weak. Everybody keeps telling me to happy yet nobody shows me what the fuck “happy” means. Keeps telling me to change yet nobody want to accept who I really am. Isn’t trying to change to please people the root cause of depression? Like wearing a mask to hide your face. People love the mask and hate the face. And they only want the mask. As long as I can supply jokes, food and brainpower, I am supposed to be fine. Nobody wants to touch the muddy waters below, yet that’s where I am. As long as the bubbles are still rising, they assume I would be fine down there.

Until the bubble bursts.

I can’t breath.

It’s getting harder to remember what feelings feel like.

Funny story. It was a spur of the moment thing when I decided that I should have a place to write out my thoughts and feelings. Thing is, now I only write when I don’t even know what to put into words.

It was less than half a year ago I think. For some reasons, I decided that I had “too much feelings” and putting those up as meaningless status on Facebook (meaningless for readers, not for me) was never enough. I want people, someone, anyone to know and share these feelings I had. I wanted to share how I like the girl from some manga I read. I wanted to discuss details of a movie I watched. I wanted a conversation. Only the ones who I wanted to do those with was not interested. The ones who was, I didn’t feel the same about. I felt out of sync.

But at least I felt something. Now? Remembering those times when I have feelings is like remembering a dream. You just know that you have it but can’t recall exactly what it is. Finally I understand when artists put it along the lines of “a world without color”. You know the colors, you know what they should look like. But. You. Just. Don’t. See. It.

Just finished reading a light novel called “5cm Per Second”. I keep telling myself I should have some thoughts, some lingering feelings about it. But I don’t. I just don’t.

Loneliness doesn’t come from having no one around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that are important to you.

It’s all fun and games until you realise nobody is there when the laughter ends

I have always joked about having an alternative personality inside of me, that of a girl. Sometimes I even say that it is actually my real one. But no, I don’t have it. I have feminine traits, yes, but not enough to form a ‘personality’. I guess it’s just a way for me to create a protection bubble for myself – to feel safe in it.

This sort of unresolved crisis leaves individuals struggling to “find themselves.” They may go on to seek a negative identity, which may involve crime or drugs or the inability to make defining choices about the future. “The basic strength that should develop during adolescence is fidelity, which emerges from a cohesive ego identity”.

[…]

They often seem to have no idea who or what they are, where they belong or where they want to go. They may withdraw from normal life, not taking action or acting as they usually would at work, in their marriage or at school. They may even turn to negative activities, such as crime or drugs, as a way of dealing with identity crisis. To someone having an identity crisis, it is more acceptable to them to have a negative identity than none at all.

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You don’t have to be alone to be lonely

It has been 3 months now at my new job. Honestly I am enjoying it more than I previously expected. The actual work is nothing too wow-ful but I can accept that. The people are really nice and I’m learning a lot from them. Oh and good news: today I just got negotiated (well, more like going along with) a new contract for the next 6 months. Received tons of praise, don’t really know if they were true but I like it anyway. I wish there was a certain someone whom I could show it too, but oh well.

As usual, I am eyeing someone. This time it’s someone at work. I seriously don’t know what is wrong with me. The moment someone shows the least bit of affection or even friendliness towards me, I just have to develop feelings for them. I don’t even know why I like this one really: she’s not terribly beautiful, just mildly attractive; she’s friendly and charismatic, but she does it to everybody; I don’t even know what else there is to her personalities, just what I can observe. Our seats aren’t close, so conversations is kept at a minimum, basically just smile-when-passing-by interaction now. Gawd, I hate it when I play out relationships in my head and then get depressed when it doesn’t actually work.

By the way, I did some thinking about loneliness today. It’s the feeling when you feel so disconnected from the world around you, not being able to find your place in it. Like when you want to share something, turn on the phone and see no one to talk to. It’s when you want to hang out but can’t think of anyone you’d like to do it with. You can be surrounded by people yet still feel that way.

End of rant. Signing off.

Words hurt, even when they are not meant to.

Or maybe it’s just me being oversensitive. I don’t usually pay much attention to what people say unless it directly affects me or it’s someone I hold in high regard.But occasionally, there will be something that can bug me for days, even weeks. And more often than not, it’s something negative.

This time it’s about the upcoming Women’s day in Vietnam. Well, obviously it has to come up in everyday conversations, right? And of course if you’re gonna talk about it, you are obliged to ask/answer about what you’re getting for your grandmother/mother/sister/girlfriend. I got asked one such question. And I still haven’t come up with anything to answer those kind of question aiming at you-know-what. Instead, I simply struggled and came up with a semi-coherent answer, coupled with a stupid grin, which I think has the same meaning as “I don’t know and don’t care that much, huehuehue”

Oh and I believe lack of words can also hurt you too. Going somewhere, expecting someone or “that someone” to talk to you but getting nothing. Trying hard not to show that you’re uncomfortable. Ain’t easy.

It’s never a good thing to bottle up your feelings

…If this keeps me away much longer
I dont know what I would do
You’ve got to understand its a hard life
That Im going through

And when the night falls in around me
I dont think Ill make it through
I’ll use your light to guide the way
‘Cause all I think about is you….


Not good at all. You are not just dealing with others. Being nice to others means not being nice to yourself. It’s just the little things at first, but eventually they all add up. Then you start acting like a time bomb, counting down to the release. And nobody wants to be there when the laughter ends.

Tough day at the office today. Got a lot to learn/practice/handle. Still getting super annoyed at that guy in my class who keeps thinking he’s the same age as me while he’s 2 years younger. And the coffee was NOT good. Made me edgy.

Yesterday I made contact with the cute girl in my team. Just some casual greetings at the parking lot. I’m not gonna put up any sort of hope for this – being a shy loser otaku. Having a crush on someone would be too much for me to handle right now.

Running low on cash. Payday got delayed. Good news is I’m starting to pick up freelance translation again, so next month should be no problem. Gonna be hard on me though – working evening has never been my favourite.