Have you ever feel, like, you are watching yourself from the inside out? Through my ups and downs of the past year(s?), that’s what I have been doing. There’s another me watching me.
I believe it could be extremely hard for people who haven’t experience that, but once you do, you would know exactly what I am yapping on about.
I simply cannot say “I’m happy/sad/fine”, but rather “I feel happy/sad/fine”. Whereas, happy/sad/fine is not my state of being, but just another ‘action’ that I do, that I ‘feel’. I recognize that somehow, there is this ‘tingling’ in my chest that signals me that I am ‘feeling’ something.
I blame that on the ‘other me’.
I’m the pessimist one while he is the optimist. I’m cynical, he’s idealistic. I’m calm, he’s the one with panics and anxiety. And more importantly, I am very mindful of how other people see me, yet he just want to be himself, the crazy one. I don’t mind being alone, he cries because he has no one to talk to. I want to focus on my work, all he does is find some pathetic excuse to open conversation. I decide to go to sleep, he’s the one staying awake with scissors in hand.
The worst part? He wants to get out. Get out of his shell. Get out of all the pretending shit I do. Get out of being cool and calm. Get out and stay out.
I always call him the weak fool. But truth is, he is stronger than me. I keep telling him not to fall in love, not to like anyone, not to cause pain to anyone other than us. I am fine with the cut marks. I am not fine with forcing someone to see those cut marks.
Then he just go ahead and have feelings for someone.
And it’s not like he has the galls to do it anyway! He likes someone but I’m the one having to talk to her. He wants to be loved but I’m the one having to do the loving. He wants to be listened but I’m the one doing the talking.
And it’s not like those feelings can be true love anyway! Most of the time it’s just him being lonely. Most of the time it’s just him having a misunderstanding. And if not, 90% of the girls he ‘likes’ is either unavailable or just not that into him. The other 10%, he gave up before anything can happen. And 100% of them probably gave him some sort of attention without much thought at all, if any.
Just when I want to live my life in peace, he wants to go confess his feelings to the girl. Yea right, good luck with that. Except don’t do that. Stay home. Sleep. Play game. Jack off. Anything but confessing.
Well, it’s tiring, criticizing yourself like that. That’s pretty much the other half of depression: where you can’t or don’t want to justify your feelings. That’s why almost every illustration of depression depicts some sort of shadow hanging over your life.
Something for the night