When anger fades and the guilt creeps in.

auto-9gag-1459914As usual, too many people and too many outside stimuli cause me to flare up. I felt like I could have burst at any moment and may harm myself or worse, other people. It’s ironic how I am made worse with people around, yet I worry more about how I look to them rather than how I should worry about myself.

And of course, the people who suffered the most from my angst were the one I held dear. The ones that I expect to know better. The ones that should have been there for me. Especially the girl I’m having that unbearable crush on. I don’t know what is happening anymore (do I ever?). Inside my head, I blame her for every single bad thing that I do, yet I know painfully well that it’s only me. How can somebody ever like somebody like me? But. But I think I love her so much now that I just can’t walk away. I swore to the cut marks on my hands that I would leave her alone and never to speak to her again, yet I still went out and buy her stuff. I want her so much that after all the trouble I caused to push her away from me, I sent her another friend request, again. And now that I have calmed down, away from all the noise, I am living in the guilt of acting the way I did.

I have only realised this just today, but my boss is a terribly nice lady. The way she treated me, for me it felt like a sister helping her mischievous brother through tough times. Which is the one person I have always wanted in my life: a sister. It could help changed my life tremendously, who knows?

Senseless rant, again.

And, as always, I need a hug.

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