15/07/2014

I’m thinking that maybe I’m having a few mental problems. I never know if I really do, just simply applying what I read to my situation. So maybe, I’m having somewhat of an anxiety disorder, and throw in some depression here and there as well.

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No, I am not trying to gather attention by mention these buzzwords. Nobody’s gonna read this anyway. I’ve been feeling unwell mentally for a good while now. Multiple times a day I would have this feeling of sudden fear and/or worthlessness. I would suddenly realise that I don’t know what to do with my life, and it sends a chill to my entire body. Then I just have to hold myself so tightly – just like when you are actually feeling cold – just to keep me from shaking. Then usually I have this urge to just hit myself, to feel pain. I could hit my head against the wall, or hit my arms or legs repeatedly – then moan silently as the pains set in. I’ve read that the body release endorphins as a natural painkillers, which also take part in the relaxed feelings that we have. And I believe that, as I usually feel somewhat relaxed – more like numbed – after dealing these pains. These sessions typically last just for a minute or two at most, but my mind feel paralysed after those, and unable to take on anything serious for a period of time.

And then there’s the depression. It is not so severe now, but I am certain that I was seriously depressed this time last year. My family has just gone through a huge horrible incident, and I felt heavily pressured as a result. Everyday I wake up in fear, afraid of how the day will go on. I had just finished my thesis, had no job, no money, and so lonely. I had next to no support from anyone whatsoever. I cried myself to sleep every night. Everything I do felt like necessities more than anything, whether it be eating, playing, or even sleeping. It all culminated in one evening when my thoughts, after being piled up for so long, started to render down to the simplest of all: if I die, all of it will go away. I was this close to slashing my wrist when I received a text from a friend, letting me know she’s there for me. That text saved me.

I’m not sure of the reason I start to think about these stuff so suddenly. Maybe it’s the feeling of loneliness, of being left out earlier today. Maybe it’s abandonment, as my feelings for someone turned out to be unrequited – even though it’s so common for me to start and end relationships all by myself in my head. Maybe it’s all those thought about my worthlessness and insecurity coming back to haunt me. Maybe. Hah, fuck it, maybe it’s just how my thoughts has been bottle up for so long, and I’m actually trying to fish for attention by posting this so that someone could read it after all.

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