It seems that I can never settle on which type of personality I have. I usually say I am loner, that I prefer sitting quietly at home rather than be out there partying or celebrating. But then, I realise that may not always be the case. I do enjoy attention from time of time, I want to be at the center of things and on the occasions, not that bad with people. Unfortunately, these 2 sides of me never surface at the right time and place.
Thinking back on my life, I guess it started when I was in middle school. I was kind of a hotshot in class in 6th grade – quite popular, on good terms with the majority of the class and even got known outside of class. There was also something called AHC – Anti-Hung Club – for those girls in class who was annoyed with me during those years. Nothing serious, it’s just the way kids play at that age, you know, like how boys and girls separating the table with chalks or something. It also helped that I was in a class specialising in English, meaning being good at it actually held values. So, good grades and good social standing, right? I always say middle school was the best years of my life.
However, I lived far away from school. I think it was approx 5 km from my home to school, a good 20-30 min by bike. What this meant was that I was largely separated from my friends, who all lived close to school. The only way to stay in touch was the Internet (no cellphone back then). I was also old enough to be allowed home alone by my parents, who all had jobs to attend to. The result? A 13yo boy who had to stay home alone, without his friends and only a computer to entertain himself with. I couldn’t get any of my friends to visit either. While my friends all knew each other’s houses and make frequent visits, nobody knew mine. I didn’t even what people do when visiting someone’s else house. All in all, it was just me and the computer. The contrast has already started to show.
Btw, it was this period that really boosted my English skills. Being alone at home and staying online meant I have a lot of access to English stuff. Books, movies, games – you name it. And it was also around this time that I started thinking in English, speaking to myself in English and post (apparently) mysterious status updates. Hey, but at least I had responses from other people, which was nice.
High school. My least favorite period. My high school was near my middle school, so again it meant that it was far away from home. Good news was since this school was a prestigious one in the area, many students who were far away like me attended it. So it was a little less lonely on the way home. In fact, two of my best friends lived quite close to me, even now. I remembered the days when I have to ferry them home on my bicycles. Good memories.
My high school life wasn’t that good though. I developed some sort of inferiority complex as everyone around me just seemed to be so good at everything. I was not that good at natural science subjects like Chemistry of Physics – our class’ specialisation. I was still good at English, but there are also several others. I wasn’t popular in anyway, not participating in any club or activities, and no girlfriend.
…Well, I came close to having 1 (or 2), but nevertheless botched it. I remember Y, my first crush in high school. I started to notice her right before our 1st year started, but made no attempt. For some reasons which I still don’t know even now, she added me on IM, and we started talking online all the way until the 2nd semester to meet IRL. Then… I don’t know, I just suddenly lost interest, and stopped seeing her. One of the biggest regret of my life, letting that sweet girl go. I always wonder how my life would be if I had her as a girlfriend back then. I read many mangas about high school life, and I envy them. Having a small but dynamic society to explore, with a girlfriend to do romantic-but-still-not-quite-adult stuff with must be nice. I lost 3 years brooding about my worthlessness.
Sometimes I just hate being alone. Really hate it. Occasionally I may post a status update on Facebook and get, at most, 2 or 3 likes, with no comment. No one ever bother to ask how I am. No one cares that my birthday is coming up if Facebook doesn’t shove it in their faces. That’s why I hid my birthday on fb, so I can stop those worthless 4-letter-celebration from them. Then I feel lonely about the fact that without that notification, nobody actually remember my birthday. Then I get depressed. Lame.
Well, sometimes I feel fine with being alone. You don’t have to deal with dramas, you don’t need to care about anyone’s feeling. You can do whatever you want on your own. You don’t have think of ways to entertain others, and you certainly don’t have to care about others’ problems. Maybe that makes me a hypocrite of sort, but oh well.
Just received an email from the local cinema notifying me of a special promotion for my “birthday week”, posted an invitation for someone to join me. No answer.
Found this video which describes my thoughts exactly.